What the hell did I just watch?

There’s a refreshing idealism to Megalopolis. In a clip overflowing with grim, nihilistic postapocalyptic stories, Francis Ford Coppola’s latest movie is simply a retrofuturistic parable astir creating a amended satellite done architecture, science, and dreams. Unfortunately, that sheen fades astir immediately. The movie wants viewers to ideate an idealistic future. But its imaginativeness for that aboriginal is truthful vague arsenic to beryllium meaningless. For each of its bully intentions, Megalopolis is simply a confusing, bloated disaster.

This shouldn’t beryllium excessively surprising, arsenic the lead-up to the film’s merchandise has mostly been focused connected 1 contention aft another. There’s the agelong improvement time, with manager Coppola moving connected the movie successful immoderate signifier since 1982, forced to self-finance the full $120 cardinal accumulation due to the fact that studios passed connected it. There are the reports of inappropriate on-set behavior (and a subsequent lawsuit), specifically hiring actors “who were canceled astatine 1 constituent oregon another,” and all of those fake AI-generated reappraisal quotes. The four-decade-long process of bringing Megalopolis to theaters was an implicit mess, overmuch similar the movie itself.

Now, this is the portion of the reappraisal wherever I usually would springiness a wide summary of what the movie is about. That’s not truthful casual with Megalopolis, due to the fact that it borders connected the nonsensical. It takes spot successful an alternate beingness mounting called New Rome City and is centered connected a warfare of ideas betwixt Mayor Cicero (Giancarlo Esposito) and Cesar (Adam Driver), the seat of the Design Authority (sort of similar a truly almighty radical of architects who are treated similar stone stars for immoderate reason). Cicero wants to support New Rome arsenic it is, a functional but not peculiarly inspiring spot that could possibly usage a lucrative caller casino. Cesar wants to rebuild it arsenic a fantastical utopia that, yes, is called Megalopolis.

The thought is beauteous clear: America is overmuch similar Ancient Rome astatine its peak, a spot afloat of excess and indulgence (which is exemplified by everyone doing tons of coke) that is besides heading for a historical autumn from grace. Megalopolis is trying to inquire if there’s different way. It doesn’t needfully person immoderate answers, but it truly wants to inquire the question.

Almost each facet of Megalopolis — some the movie and the fictional metropolis astatine its bosom — feels wholly underdeveloped, contempt being successful the works for truthful long. New Rome City, for instance, is virtually conscionable New York City with a perpetual aureate hue. People thrust modern cars, usage QR codes, and work the New Rome Post. There’s nary originative plan that mightiness marque for an intriguing parallel to our ain world, speech from the occasional chariot race.

Even worse is Cesar, who is the halfway of the film. He’s an architectural genius, which you cognize due to the fact that everyone calls him a genius and due to the fact that helium won a Nobel Prize for creating a mysterious gathering worldly that is fundamentally magic. (It tin beryllium utilized to make fantastical cities and dresses that render the wearer invisible and doubles arsenic a useful cure for slug wounds.) Cesar has the quality to halt clip erstwhile he’s inspired by his muse, who happens to beryllium Cicero’s daughter, played by Nathalie Emmanuel. This superpower isn’t explained either virtually oregon thematically and ne'er truly has an interaction connected the communicative successful immoderate way. It’s conscionable there.

Nothing Cesar does seems each that smart. He mostly quotes Shakespeare astatine magnitude and says things similar “what connects powerfulness besides stores it” during plan meetings. It’s unclear however his imagination metropolis is being funded oregon constructed oregon however it volition really code real-world issues similar income inequality oregon joblessness, speech from giving each big their ain idiosyncratic garden. I’m not asking for a blueprint of Megalopolis, but thing successful the city’s conception ever rises supra the extent of a “The World If” meme. When Cicero questions whether Cesar’s metropolis is realistic and is met with immoderate philosophical musings, I recovered myself siding with the crooked mayor. Like Coppola, Cesar is lone funny successful questions, not answers. But this isn’t a communicative astir a man’s tragic, idealistic hubris, either — his imagination simply someway works.

It mightiness beryllium generous to picture Megalopolis arsenic having a communicative astatine all. Coppola has said that helium collected thousands of clippings from newspapers and magazines portion moving connected the script. And that’s precisely however the movie feels: similar a bid of ideas thrown together, without a existent communicative binding them. Things just… happen. A outer crashes into New Rome contempt having agelong been predicted to deed Labrador. When Cicero gets the quality that it’s connected people to deed the city, helium asks, “What bash we do?” Then the country abruptly ends with nary answer.

Story isn’t everything, of course, but it’s not similar Megalopolis has galore different redeeming qualities. The acting is stilted and erratic, arsenic if the performers are arsenic confused astir what’s going connected arsenic the assemblage is. The dialog veers betwixt painfully evident allegories and painfully juvenile jokes. You tin ideate however atrocious the enactment scenes are. Much of it is besides conscionable plain dumb. Aubrey Plaza plays a platinum blonde newsman named Wow Platinum, portion Cesar’s uncle Crassus (Jon Voight) hides weapons down his erection. These moments are funny, but it’s not wide if they’re expected to beryllium fixed however superior the remainder of the movie is.

There are immoderate intriguing moments. At 1 constituent during the theatrical experience, the lights crook backmost connected truthful that a real-world histrion successful the theatre tin lip-sync questions that a newsman is asking Cesar during a property conference. (How this volition play retired during wide merchandise oregon erstwhile the movie hits Blu-ray and streaming services is unclear.) But mostly, it’s the benignant of movie that makes an assemblage laughter unintentionally.

I tin admit the sentiment down Megalopolis — hell, that’s thing the satellite could truly usage close now. It whitethorn person been conceived successful the ’80s, but the halfway of the movie feels timely. It’s a shame that the remainder of the movie — its story, characters, acting, and dialog — does thing but get successful the way. If Coppola couldn’t intelligibly articulate that viewpoint with 40 years of work, there’s nary mode I’m going to recognize it successful 2 and a fractional hours.

Megalopolis hits theaters connected September 27th.